Woo, what a day. Actually, more like what a night. John got home later than expected, and we had to go to Wal-Mart to go shopping for some things, including coats for the kids. It's always a treat taking the kids to the store. Madison stayed here to be watched by Becky and well, just about everyone else, and I tell you that it can be hard to leave the baby when you're a new mom. It's not that I worry that something is going to happen to her or anything since she has so many competent people watching her, it's just that I miss her. But I managed to survive.

We did fill a cart full of stuff, though. We got Madison her Christmas present from Jason since he knew just what he wanted to get her, and we got some more stuff for the baby, including the essentials such as diapers. We also found this cool bear that, when you turn it on, makes womb sounds to help comfort the baby. She seems to be rather fascinated with it. It's also cool because it has a velcro strap to attach it to the side of the crib so it doesn't pose a risk to the baby by falling on her face or something.

I did take her in to see Cult for awhile earlier today, and laid her on the bed next to him at one point, telling him I needed to use the bathroom. Yes, I did that on purpose. See, I wanted him to know that I trust him alone with her, and figured that was the best way to do it. He looked rather unsure when I did it, but I didn't give him a chance to protest too much. I'm sneaky that way. I spent a little over five minutes away from them, and when I went back into his room, he was lying on his side next to her and just watching her. I doubt that he took his eyes off of her for even the briefest of moments. She was even smiling at him. I think that it did help him to feel better about it all around. Hopefully this will help him to feel better about himself. The one thing I wish I could give him for Christmas is a sense of self-worth, because he sure as hell both needs and deserves it. Maybe Madison will help him with this. I think she has a shot, I really do.

Friday is Allyn's birthday, which is odd to me. She's going to be 15 years old. I have a hard time looking at her and seeing a blooming adult. She's still my little girl in my eyes. It's hard for me to see my kids grow up. Even with my two older boys it was weird, and I adopted them in their teens. Bait was more difficult in that respect because he was so vulnerable when I started taking care of him. He still is at times, although I think he's starting to get past some of it. It can be hard, because I don't feel like he needs me like he used to, which is a common thing with parents, I'm sure. But I know that there are times he does really need me, and I'm glad to be there for him. He still has bad dreams at times, and there are other times that his leg still bothers him immensely, and then I can feel all motherly and take care of him.

So yeah. I'm in and odd mood, I think. Not a bad one at all. I can't be in a bad mood, Christmas is coming. I still have decorating and baking to do. And cuddling. There is much cuddling to be done.

He was found last night. He was in an unused building. The police found him, not us. And just like I feared, he freaked the moment one of them touched him. He'd been sleeping because he's sick. His leg got injured in the fight I mentioned earlier; it was cut pretty badly and quite infected. I guess they thought since he was out of it like that, it would be safer. It wasn't. Because he jumped and attacked before he even knew what was going on. That led to him getting shot. It doesn't even seem real as I write this, and I keep hoping that it's some bad TV show that I saw. But it's not.

He's not dead. He went into surgery immediately after getting to the hospital, and he's now in critical condition. Between that and his injury/infection and the fact he's had nothing to eat and little to drink in the past while are all working against him. The police visited me not long after he got to the hospital to tell me. They seemed genuinely sorry for what had happened, so there's no way I can hold any resentment there. They've worked with us on all of this and not against us, so they're not to blame at all. It's just bad circumstances. I was allowed to see him, even though technically we're not related. He looks so young right now. He'll be 18 on July 3rd, but he doesn't look like it. His birthday is so close and his life in in jeopardy. He might not even live to see his birthday. And I had such plans to celebrate it. He didn't respond when I touched him or spoke to him, not at all. Not that it was unexpected because he's under very heavy sedation so he won't wake up to being touched and poked and prodded, if he can even wake up at all.

To top it all off, it's Mikel's birthday today. We had a party planned, but circumstances make it so it's best to put it off. He doesn't mind that at all, of course. But what a shitty thing to happen now. He's one of the few that Cult actually seemed to admire at all. Hell, when Mikel had to hold him back from hitting John, Cult didn't freak about being touched, although that might have been because of what was going on and how focused he was. I don't know. But Mikel's quite upset, along with the rest of us. I'm lucky I can type at all.

We got home a couple hours ago from the hospital. I was awake all night, and even though I'm tired as hell, I can't sleep. I tried for a short while, but gave up. It's so subdued around here. Cult's dog Frenzy seems to sense that something's up because he's very quiet and lying down at my feet. The kids are being really quiet overall as well. It's almost like death here. I know that's a bad spin to put on it, but it feels like it. But he can't die. I couldn't handle it. It would be so much like having one of my kids die. He is one of my kids in my mind. I can't lose him. I'll be going back later to see him, but I have limited time with him. There's a policeman posted at his door, too. So there's a big beacon pointing there saying "dangerous criminal." Oddly, the policeman that's on duty there at the moment seems to have this attitude when people look that way that says they'd better not say a thing about it. Maybe all of the talking I've done and the pleading that they be careful with him has influenced things. Maybe. I don't know. I just know I want him to be okay, and the outlook isn't good. And if he does get better, and wakes up to see where he is, what will he do? They can't keep him that sedated forever, and after the hospital, he'll likely have to either go to jail or to a psychiatric unit. Either will get to him badly. If only we could get those charges dealt with, that would help immensely. They police said they couldn't really justify bringing charges against him for attacking when he was touched because he was obviously too ill to realize what was going on. He didn't do too much harm, anyway. Our police department has been so good at working with us, but the other city seems to have it set in their minds to be hardass. Evan and Randy are going to go there tonight to start working on things there, and they're taking a friend who's a police officer. They're going to do what they can, because we want to get this straightened out as soon as possible. I mean, the charges against Cult are apparently an assault he supposedly committed in the last few months. While he was here. He didn't leave for any length of time, let alone long enough to go a thousand miles away or however far it is. Susan has an attorney who's going to be there too, so we'll see what happens.

Right now, I'm just concentrating on him getting better. I have to visit him as much as they'll let me and try to get through to him so he knows I'm there and that I love him. I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared right now, and trying to be optimistic. It's hard, it really is. Cult's best friend is here now, and there's no way they'll let him go visit. He wants to in the worst way, but it's not happening. I feel bad for him, because he's almost desperate with that need, although he'd never admit it. It's not hard to tell, though. He can't even sit still. The other two that came with him to look for Cult aren't much better, either. I should go and deal with that and make sure everyone gets fed, too. Most haven't felt like eating, but they should. And I need to keep busy at the moment.

Thanks for listening, and for all the good thoughts and vibes and all that anyone's given. Send more if you can, please. The more, the better. Oh, and if someone IMs me on any of the messenger services, it might or might not be me. But someone will be here when it's on, unless something's going on. We're leaving the thing on a good part of the time, so you'll probably see it on at least some. Thanks again.